Tales of Irritation and Bad Taste Aboard
I may not have heard it all, but I bet I’ve come close. After boating for many decades and writing about it for a couple, I’ve been told stories about people who were truly offensive, others who were oblivious, and a few who believed nothing counts if it happens away from shore.
These stories may afford you a smile, a laugh, or just a sense of relief that it didn’t happen to you. In order to protect both the innocent and the buffoons, I’ve omitted the names of those involved in these tales.
He invited a big client to come along for a sail, only to watch him get drunker and drunker. The client dedicated ‘80s love songs to a teenage girl aboard, using the VHF radio mic as if he was singing karaoke.
A boating couple invited a friend who brought her twin six-year-old grandkids along. Both kids had runny noses and fevers which grew worse as the day went on. Sure enough, everyone else aboard was sick within the next two days and missed work and boating on Labor Day weekend.
Imagine being on a boat with three other families when one of the men tells his spouse — and everyone else — that he was leaving her after the boat arrives back at the dock?
They once took her boss out on the boat. The boss got seasick and threw up over the side. While trying to tell the boss it was no big deal, their three-year-old son saw the boss barf and he did, too — all over the boss’s beach bag and shoes.
The couple brought their toddler aboard a relative’s boat. The skipper insisted that the kid wear a life jacket, but apparently wasn’t specific about wearing anything else. The parents took the child’s diaper off, saying “He’s got a bit of diaper rash, so the sun will do him good.” The mostly naked tot peed twice on the teak and once on the storyteller’s new shoes before the skipper started yelling.
Towards the end of a boat trip, friends offered to pay the boat owners for food and gas. They said, “No, it’s our treat.” Nevertheless, one man tried to give the captain a $20 bill, proclaiming, “Take it! We can afford it more than you!”
They invited new friends to go out with them for a day of boating and learned the husband’s pet name for the wife was “Jiggle Mama.” The hosts had their two early teen daughters aboard, but the guests didn’t seem to sense how inappropriate it was for him to keep calling out, “Hey, hey, Jiggle Mama!”
The invitation to go boating to a popular destination included the need for an 8:00 am start to snag a slip. One couple showed up at 8:45 am, saying the fast-food coffee line was really long. The other couple called after 9:00 am to say, “We just couldn’t get started today.”
They hosted a group of friends on the boat, one of whom was also a boater. Every time the host skipper gave an instruction or made a comment about boating, the other boat owner would say, “That’s not how most boaters do it.”
The guests’ kids kept throwing stuff over the side. The parents would just laugh when it was the hosts’ towels or a deck of cards that went overboard. But when one of the boys tossed his sneakers over, the parents screamed at the skipper to stop, insisting they go back for them.
They invited one couple along on their 22-foot boat, but were met at the dock with five additional people. “We figured you wouldn’t mind if we brought our neighbors. We promised we’d hang out with them today!”
At 11:00 pm, he asked the owner of the boat in the next slip to turn down the music so his family could get some sleep. The reply was, “You’re not the only one who’s on vacation, buddy.”
During a raft up, a woman is in her own boat cabin, nursing her son, when a strange man walks in. He says, “I’m just going to use your head,” but she screams, “Get out!” He did, though only after saying, “Overreact much?”
She says she doesn’t like wearing tight clothes in summer. As usual, she was wearing something loose when boating to a dock-and-dine restaurant. As the captain approached the dock, another boat owner walked over to assist. Imagine her mortification when he yelled towards the restaurant (and all the people on the patio), “Can I get a little help here? We got a mom-to-be who’s hungry for dinner!”
He brought his son on a boat trip with the boss. Big mistake! The kid asked loudly, “Why do you say ‘work is lame’ and then make us boat with work people?”
One of the guests spent an extraordinary amount of time aboard taking selfies. She barely said a word to anyone and just kept featuring herself in photos. When she had to use the head, everyone else checked the woman’s Instagram account to see if she would post a photo from the toilet. She did!
Their grandson has a peanut allergy, so the boat owners tell their guests not to bring any food along. One person kept complaining that he was hungry, despite all the food choices the hosts provided. As everyone else ignored him, he whined to the grandson, “How does it feel that you get to ruin everybody’s day?”
The hosts bought enough beer for everyone to have two each during the afternoon cruise. One guest carped, “Is your business bad? Is that why you’re so cheap with the brews?”
She reached overboard to grab the mooring pole, and as she did so, her halter top fell down. Embarrassed because she wasn’t wearing a bra or swimsuit, she drops the stick over the side so she could secure her top. The skipper, only seeing her let go of the mooring, yells, “You boob!” She’s humiliated while all the passengers are delighted.
Inside a boat at a marina, a couple was having a vicious fight. A deep voice shouted from another boat, “Which one of you wants to hire me? I’m a great divorce lawyer!”
